The Mad King of Beacon
by A Lovestruck A2
Summary: Professor Port and Edgar have taken over Beacon. Now, the Mad King will make everyone bend to his will, or they will suffer a fate worse than death itself. Based off of the AH Let's Play: Mad King Ryan. Shitpost.
1. Coronation of Edgars

_**A/N: Hey guys, DPLxBeAsTxSnIpE here with a new RWBY fanfic. Some of you may have read my one-shot 'The One In The Hole', and this is a continuation of it.**_

 _ **Warning: general crack. Drunk-as-fuck me came up with this idea and wrote it. Expect it to be meant for laughs only.**_

 _ **Happy Holidays!**_

 **The Mad King of Beacon**

 _Summary: Professor Port and Edgar have taken over Beacon. Now, the Mad King will make everyone bend to his will, or they will suffer a fate worse than death itself._

 ***Coronation of Edgars***

Ozpin and Glynda gulped as the door to the headmaster's office was suddenly blasted off of its hinges, smoke billowing into it. "Oh no…" _'I had hoped this wouldn't happen. All they had to do was pay attention, for Oum's sake. Why wasn't I stricter with punishments? It's in the job description of disciplinarian.'_

Professor Port lowered his blunderaxe, letting out a bellowing laugh as he strode in with that disturbing entity now christened as Edgar by his side. "Greetings, my minions. I've been dying to have an audience with you. As has Edgar here."

The cow let out a slow moo, and the insane professor rested his weapon against his shoulder as he stalked over to the two other professors with booming steps that literally shook the entire academy. "Now, I believe it is time that I, King Port of Beacon, took his rightful throne. Either bow down to me, or face a fate worse than death itself."

Ozpin and Glynda shared a glance, defiance in their eyes as they nodded simultaneously before drawing their weapons; they weren't giving in to this lunatic just yet. "Oh really? And what could possibly be worse than death?" _'He can't possibly take us both on, and with only that stupid cow of his by his side to boot.'_

Port's mustache quivered in a frenzied excitement, and he chuckled before leaning in close. "I see you've opted for the punishment. What a pity. I hope you enjoy the show."

 _Several agonizing hours later…_

Ozpin and Glynda let out synchronized sighs of defeat, the former headmaster glaring at the self-proclaimed Mad King of Beacon through the glass of their imprisonment. "You traitorous little…the Council won't stand for this, Peter!"

The two had been beaten, disarmed, and rechristened as 'Edgar II' and 'Edgar III' following a battle with Port. Now, they were both trapped in glass cases in the floor of Port's classroom, and Glynda was silently kicking herself for not taking the threat of the loony man seriously. _'Didn't think he'd go this far. Looks like we should've let him go a long damn time ago.'_ "You've made the cow the headmaster in Ozpin's place! How does that even make sense!?"

"His name is Edgar. And you will respect him and his master if you wish to keep your lungs on the inside, Edgar III," Port growled, loading an Ice Dust cartridge into his blunderaxe. "Now, you are the ones in the hole, and shall be the first to witness my grandiose plans for this dismal excuse of a fortress! Ahahahahahahahahaha! Bow before your king!"

' _He's definitely lost it.'_ Glynda wished she was actually capable of bringing him down now; who knew that stupid cow was actually useful in combat!?After watching him practically absorb Ozpin's own attacks and dish it back with minimal effort, Glynda tried to release whatever spell Peter had bound to him, and Edgar just refused to leave his master's side. It was probably the most extreme case of Stockholm Syndrome she'd ever seen. _'The next time Port is bordering on insanity, don't ignore it!'_

"How are you going to suddenly christen us as Edgar!?" Ozpin growled. "We look nothing like cows! Edgar's black and white, and we're human!"

Edgar mooed, and Port's eyebrow twitched before he knelt down with a devilish smirk on his face. "Hehehehe…foolish human. You're already Edgar, because as I've said, Edgar is the one in the hole. You are in that hole together, Edgar II and Edgar III, because I allow it. You continue to exist because Edgar wills for it to be that way." Yep. Definitely developed cranial insanitosous. Or, since the professors are slowly losing their minds with each second they spent in that forsaken hole, Port had gone bonkers. Possibly acquired from Edgar, whatever that cursed entity was.

He stood back up, laughing crazily and rubbing his hands together gleefully. "As for not looking like Edgars yet…don't worry. You'll remain that way for only a short while longer, hehehehe. The suits are almost ready for you."

"Wait, what!?"

That demonic smirk only grew, and Port's eyes were now blazing red. "Oh, you'll see very soon. For now, enjoy your…containment. I have a new addition to make to this pathetic fortress. I think I shall add pictures of kung-fu to the outside, yes…"

Port started to walk out of the classroom, Edgar mooing as he followed his master, and Glynda and Ozpin began to scream in frustration as they tried (and failed miserably) to try and break the glass above them. "Curse you Port! You'll regret this!"

"Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahaha! Ahahahahahahaha! You're trapped, you fools! There is no way you can escape! Now watch from your glassy prison as all of Remnant bows before the Mad King of Beacon, Peter Port! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Port laughed, shaking the academy again. "The world will either accept me as their new King, or suffer the fate of becoming ones in the hole with you! Ahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha!"

"And you think the students are going to allow this!?"

"Oh, they have already become my minions, my dearest Glynda. Why, Team CRDL is building me a throne of beautiful gold and diamonds as I speak. I have no idea why I'm even bothering to explain all of this, silly me!" Port giggled like a madman. "It'll be so much better for you to witness all of my glorious conquests from your hole! Ahahaha! Well, I must be off! Tatty bye, my little minions!"

The raving madman skipped away in his sick, twisted delight, and Glynda sighed before turning back to her fellow captive. "Ozpin?"

"Yes?"

"We're screwed, aren't we?"

"We are. Oum have mercy on us both."

 _ **A/N: And that's a wrap. *is giggling like a crazy person* I'm having waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much fun with this shit. Next up, Glynda and Oz get their 'suits' and someone has a traumatic experience after trying to drive a certain vehicle! *hint* Think Season 1 of Red vs. Blue…**_

 _ **P.S. I'm on Twitter now! Follow me DPLxBeAsTxSnIpE if you ever want to hit me up and keep track of the elusive author :3**_


	2. Kilts and Bikinis

_**A/N: Chapter 2 of this crack series! Kudos for this chapter goes to the one and only blaiseingfire, who put in this amusing request. Enjoy the crack!**_

 **The Mad King of Beacon**

 _Summary: Professor Port and Edgar have taken over Beacon. Now, the Mad King will make everyone bend to his will, or they will suffer a fate worse than death itself._

 ***Kilts and Bikinis***

Professor Port sat down in his newly constructed throne, petting Edgar's head as he watched over his minions making additions to the fortress of Beacon. "Haha! Would you look at that, Edgar? They are quite useful as our servants, would you agree?"

Edgar mooed, and Port laughed as he observed the glorious picture of kung-fu fighting being hoisted onto Beacon's walls, and his mustache quivered in excitement. "This castle shall showcase my glorious achievements for all of Remnant to see! Ahahaha!"

A dark vision washed over Port's beady eyes; a strange vision of a village in some weird place known as Achievement City He was wearing a kilt, and ordering a pack of terrified individuals to bow before him or be subjected to the Mad King of Achievement City's torment.

He liked it.

He loved the feeling of ultimate power, and the vision faded before he could see what he really looked like. But Port could hear the people call his name before it was gone. _"We shall be your servants, Mad King Ryan."_

' _Ryan? But I am Peter Port! Or…am I really Ryan, and this is all just a convoluted scheme devised by some horrible bastard sitting behind a computer and drinking Dr. Piper?'_ The vision was gone, but Port felt as though he was there. Like he was really the Mad King of Achievement City, wherever that was.

The Mad King of Beacon heard a loud crash, and he roared in fury as he stood up, firing his blunderaxe-thingy and knocking a baby Nevermore to the ground. "WHO DARES TO DISTURB MY THINKING PROCESS!? WHO!?"

The girl who looked like the result of Summer/Qrow porn pointed a shaking finger at the tall blonde boy driving a giant crane, swallowing nervously. "U-um…he did it! Have mercy on us, please!"

The angry man stormed from his throne, his teeth gnashing, and he aimed his weapon at the horrified blonde boy behind the controls; the crane was carrying a golden statue of Port…which had now shattered into a billion different shards. He. Would. Pay.

"Give me a reason to not wring every last bit of life from your weak little body and throw your rotting carcass into the swamps of Mistral," Port growled.

"U-uh..." the boy stammered, sweating buckets as the very end of the blunderaxe pressed against his temple. "There are six pedals in this thing! I can't drive it! And there are only four directions!"

Port's eyes twitched in anger before they started attempting to pop out of his skull, and he grabbed a vial filled with a green liquid from his pocket. "You will pay dearly for your insolence."

 _Sometime later, and still in the hole…_

Glynda paced back and forth in her glassy cell, starting to go insane as the hours ticked by. How long had she been stuck down there? Three hours? Six? Twenty?

It was also incredibly cold, and the thing she was forced to wear didn't help matters.

Glynda Goodwitch, a badass disciplinarian who could kill Grimm without even looking at the damn things, was forced to wear a thong bikini. It even came with a fake cow tail. And it was cow print.

She really hated Port right now.

Ozpin was forced to adorn a cow suit himself, but at least he was properly covered! Her skimpy outfit barely covered her assets!

She heard thundering footsteps approach, and the blonde teacher glowered at the Mad King, who merely laughed as she gave him a rather rude hand gesture. "Oh, my dearest Edgar III. You should know by now that your petty attempts to insult me do nothing, apart from drive me to subject you and your fellow Edgar to more punishments!"

"I hate you."

"Good to hear that! I am off to construct a new billboard, so to make sure you aren't trying to escape, I have a guard to watch you!" Port opened the glass ceiling briefly to toss a small pitbull puppy inside, and he closed it again, once again crushing any hope of escape.

The dog had golden fur, blue eyes, and was partially in another cow costume. Port seriously had a strange obsession with cows.

"Watch them, Edgar IV! If they show any signs of suspicious behavior, beat them to death with their own skulls!" The dog barked after his master gave the order, and when it turned to look at Glynda, it held a paw over its face as though it was embarrassed by her in such a skimpy bikini.

Port thundered away, firing his blunderaxe at a lone pigeon that found its way in the classroom, and Ozpin walked over to Glynda, giving the puppy a stare. "Hmm…that dog seems to look a little familiar for some reason."

"Arf!"

"Wait, is that a rabbit face on its chest?"

 _ **A/N: XDDDDDDD oh my fucking god…what the hell am I doing? No, really. What the fuck am I doing with this fanfic?**_


	3. Cows, Foxes, and Jesters

_**A/N: What's up guys? DPLxBeAsTxSnIpE here with Chapter 3 of my little shitpost, The Mad King of Beacon. I suppose I should warn you, but this will have extremely short chapters (especially compared to my other work). Regardless, I hope you enjoy!**_

 **The Mad King of Beacon**

 _Summary: Professor Port and Edgar have taken over Beacon. Now, the Mad King will make everyone bend to his will, or they will suffer a fate worse than death itself._

 ***Cows, Foxes, and Jesters***

Peter Port guffawed proudly at the sheer beauty of his new throne. "Haha! Would you look at that!? This is perfect for sitting atop all of Remnant after they bow to me!" _'Such an exquisite example of beauty! Those little minions do have their uses.'_

The boy whose name was a rip-off of Joan of Arc had been punished most severely, but the real culprits responsible were none less than the four stooges with a stupid bird as their team name. CRDL.

They had let the foolish boy drive heavy machinery, utterly disrespecting the Mad King's authority! He specifically said to do the construction themselves, not force it on some gullible blonde idiot! And as such, he made sure they too suffered for their disobedience.

"M-moo…" Cardin whimpered from the newly constructed pen outside the academy, dressed entirely in a cow suit. Complete with a tail, nose, and ears.

He looked completely ridiculous. As did the rest of his teammates. Who also suffered the same fate as their leader. Talk about degrading. Not that CRDL had pride to begin with. Like, ever.

Port's throne now had golden wings for him to fly around Beacon Academy with ease. Golden wings in the shape of his most treasured possession.

His mustache.

Yep. Port's mustache was probably the ultimate mustache in all of Remnant. It didn't use clocks; it decided what time it was. His mustache didn't swim; water just loved being around it. His mustache once punched a horse in the jaw; he created the first giraffe. I feel like I'm forgetting something…something important. Oh, right. The plot and next victim to Port's madness!

As Port sat down in his throne of glory, he overheard a disgruntled remark from the blonde with the incredibly terrible puns. "Ugh, what the hell are those supposed to be? If those are wings to look like mustaches, then they are nothing but a mangy mess. It's disgraceful to the world of mustaches."

"WHAT WAS THAT, YOU INSOLENT PEASANT!?" Port roared, shaking the ground. The roar was enough to cause an earthquake all the way in Anima, and somewhere in the mountainous region of the continent, an entire bandit camp was laid to waste. Ah well. Not like Yang was on good terms with her deadbeat mom anyway.

"I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MY MUSTACHE IS NOT MANGY! IT HAS WON OVER FOUR CONTESTS FOR THE BEST MUSTACHE IN ALL OF REMNANT! ITS GLORY IS UNMATCHED! IT'S SO LARGE, IT HAS A MUSTACHE OF ITS OWN!" he continued to bellow at the blonde. Yang's eyes were wide, and she was starting to tremble from the insane professor's rant.

"FOR YOUR INSOLENCE, WATCH AS YOUR SISTER IS CHANGED BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES!" Port's eyes were red with anger as he grabbed the same vial of dust he used to change Jaune into a dog with. "Jester! Bring me the girl!"

His jester was none other than the quiet boy with the pink strip in his hair that was most likely the result of a terrible prank, Lie Ren. You know, the guy who is always trying to make pancakes only to have them constantly stolen by his waifu. And was in that Old Spice commercial a few weeks back. And has dance moves that would make even pros jealous. And created a video game called 'Dance Dance Ren-volution' with those moves.

I'm not sorry about that pun, by the way. Oh, right! Sorry! Here's the rest of the chapter!

"I'm here, my King," Ren murmured quietly, dragging poor Ruby behind him.

The youngest student at Beacon was shaking in fright, her silver eyes wide as she saw her half-sister curled up in the fetal position and sobbing. "Yang! What happened?"

"I think I've seen the face of true madness," Yang whimpered out. "I insulted his mustache, and now he's going to do…something to you! I don't know what! I'm sorry!"

"SILENCE!" Port roared, unscrewing the cap off the dust vial. The girl was dumped at his feet unceremoniously, and Port grinned maniacally as he poured dust on the poor redhead. "Now suffer, Yang. Watch as your sister becomes…a fox!"

"Wait, what!?"

Yeah, seriously. What? What the hell are you doing, drunk me? This isn't how the chapter was meant to be! Ruby was meant to become a birdy and get knocked out of the air! You know what…screw it. Just go with it. Probably more entertaining than what sober me would come up with.

Port guffawed after the dust was applied, and stood back triumphantly as Ruby's body began to glow. She let out a squeak of a noise, and in her place was a small tawny fox.

It was quite cute.

Ha! As if cute things would be spared from the Mad King's wrath. Or his insanity. Or obsession with random animals like cows. Especially cows.

Or his new Queen.

I didn't mention Port had a Queen to help him?

Well, I did now. Deal with it.

"Queen of Madness!" Port cooed out, making Ren shudder. Nothing was weirder than Port cooing over anything. Like the way he did with Edgar. Seriously, it was really weird.

"Yes, my King?" Queen Nora popped up, her gigantic lightning hammer of immense destruction gleaming menacingly. She had become the Queen of the castle, for no one else shared Port's love of Edgar.

He grew on you. Trust me.

"Escort the fox to the Pen of Edgars," he commanded smoothly. "And when you're done, I have someone for you to test those shocking new toys of yours on." He said the last part while looking at the horrified Yang, and the blonde tried to shrink away. Foolish girl…no one can escape the Mad King.

No one.

"Ooh…that sounds like it might be painful for her. Which is ironic; I find it absolutely delightful," Nora grinned.

Poor Yang.

She is definitely screwed.

And really not going to enjoy her punishment in the next chapter.

 _ **A/N: Hehehehehehehe…I think this might be the shittiest shitpost I've ever done. Not that I do these often. Or at all. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy, and as always, please review, favorite, follow, and leave your own suggestion! I might dedicate a little bit of madness to you *wink wink***_


	4. A New Enemy?

_**A/N: Drunk me has struck again! Beware!**_

 **The Mad King of Beacon**

 _Summary: Professor Port and Edgar have taken over Beacon. Now, the Mad King will make everyone bend to his will, or they will suffer a fate worse than death itself._

 ***A New Enemy?***

Nora grinned as she tied Yang to a spinning wheel of intense sexual torture, the blonde whimpering in fear. Who in all of Remnant let Nora, the Sloth Queen of the Madness Castle, anywhere NEAR dungeon porn devices? Just ask poor Ren how terrifying of a yandere Nora was when she was around them; he still hasn't cured his PTSD from when she used some of her toys on him.

Oh, I never mentioned that earlier?

Well, obviously you didn't read the DLC chapter of Ren being sexually punished by a dragon strap-on while his nipples were being shocked. Now on the Beast Snipe's playstore for a measly 50 lien! Purchase now, and he'll throw in a free Mad King Port plushie! Limited offer, so please hurry with your purchase!

Ah crap. Drunk!me is getting a little carried away. Stop him before it's too late!

Nora smiled that toothy grin, attaching a pair of clamps around Yang's giant breasts that were probably stolen from Tifa Lockheart before her neck was broken faster than the author's previous toxic relationship, and turned the electrical generator on. "Don't worry about this, Yang~. It'll be all over soon~."

Her creepy sadistic voice did nothing more than make Yang actually wet herself, something she hadn't done since she was five and accidentally had a football punted into her crotch.

Bad times. Really bad times.

She hated being reminded of it by Ruby.

Especially Ruby.

Or Qrow. That drunken moron of a bird. Yang can't believe he married two intoxicated teenagers.

The electrical current sizzled through the thick wires from the generator up to Yang's breasts, and upon being shocked, Nora found out something really interesting about her favorite blonde brawler.

Yang had a fetish for this kind of crap.

Like, an intense one.

Even more than a German dominatrix dressed up like Catwoman. No offense to any dangerously sexy cat ladies with whips.

Yang screamed in ecstasy, wishing she was able to break from her binds to put a hand down the front of her shorts like the extreme pervert she was. The guilty pleasure of being sexually 'tortured' by suffering minor electric shocks directly to her breasts made the inside of her shorts become a waterfall. And it smelt like honey.

No, really.

Author-san doesn't get it either.

"Dammit! This backfired horribly!" Nora screamed, her face red as she noticed the trickle of liquid running down Yang's toned legs. "King! I need your assistance with this one!"

Using his throne to fly in, Port saw the scene before him, and his mustache quivered.

His eyes twitched and turned red.

He got really mad and saw _him_ again. Ryan.

" _I'm going to rip off your arms and use them to applaud your demise!" Ryan hissed, sending the two twits running in fear for their meaningless lives. Little did they know that Mad King Ryan is a Dark God capable of incredibly impossible feats, and he ripped them apart with the crown made from the bones of his enemies._

 _Ryan stood over the remains of their corpses, smiling wickedly he sat the crooked crown on his head again. "Soon, everyone here will bow before the Mad King." He then turned to Port, as if he could see him. "So close to my return. None shall stand against our might."_

Port blinked, and he shook his head to clear it in order to process what he had seen in his vision. From what he could tell, Ryan was a part of him, and a part that was getting stronger all the time. He could feel the Mad King's presence on his shoulder, and the professor heard his delightfully crazed voice whisper in his ear with ill intent. _"Break her. Do it. You know you want to. Turn her into something that can never be fixed. Quickly, before our enemy known only as the Dusty Winged Angel makes his appearance!"_

Port aimed his blunderaxe at the dungeon porn machine and fired, boosting its strength and making Yang scream out another orgasm. He didn't know who the hell this 'Dusty Angel' fellow was, but the madman was going to make something clear.

No one messed with the Mad King and walked away unscathed.

"My King?" Nora simpered, wrapping her arms around his godly chest.

"Nothing for you to fret about, my dear," Port cooed, petting her orange locks. "Take Yang to the pens once you're finished. I have an urgent mission for all my minions to undertake." _'The Dusty Winged Angel will never stop me.'_

' _I'll see this planet burn before I surrender!'_

-0-

 _Meanwhile…_

A man yawned as he pulled his longsword from his back, placing it in the corner of his bedroom. He had just finished a round of important deliveries all across Vale, and now that he was home, he was able to crack open his new bottle of Scotch and enjoy the rest of his day off.

The man slicked his bangs back, opened up the daily newspaper, and nearly choked on his drink. "What the…?" _'Peter Port, once a renowned huntsman and teacher, has gone rogue and taken over Beacon Academy with his cow, known only as Edgar.'_

He sighed and rolled his red eyes, looking at the calm weather outside. "Great. Just when I thought I banished Mad King Ryan to hell, he decides to come back."

"Why am I always the one who has to deal with this crap?"

 _ **A/N: Anyone want to guess who this mysterious angel is? And can he truly stop Port's reign of terror before it's too late?**_


	5. Monkey Business

_**A/N: Chapter 5 of this glorious shitpost. I really can't believe this is finally starting to get a little serious. This fic was only meant to be something I write when I'm incredibly intoxicated…**_

 _ **Also, I love how many people want Mogar in here XD**_

 **The Mad King of Beacon**

 _Summary: Professor Port and Edgar have taken over Beacon. Now, the Mad King will make everyone bend to his will, or they will suffer a fate worse than death itself._

 ***Monkey Business***

If there was one thing Port hated more than people disrespecting the glory known as his mustache, it was transfer students who thought they were the hottest thing to come to Beacon since Team STRQ.

Who the hell did this impertinent little monkey boy think he was!? Port was the damn God of this town! He was the hottest thing in all of Remnant!

Even hotter than Cinder.

Actually, that witch is pretty ugly now. Remember when she was actually bangable and didn't look like a Hagraven from Skyrim? I remember. Good times…

Sorry.

Anyway, as that show-off of a monkey boy tried to flirt with the Bellabooty, Port flew down from his throne, the mustache wings flapping. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING, BOY!?"

His roar caused a third earthquake, this time bringing some crappy little camp in the mountains to the ground. Good thing, too.

Port hated that damn hook-handed Quartermaster. No one was allowed to be any sort of dark god apart from the Mad King.

Not to mention that god-awful song the one counselor liked to sing.

Oh, sorry. Getting a little off topic. I'm drunk, okay? What did you expect?

"I…" The monkey boy gulped, his blue eyes agape when he witnessed the glory of Mad King Port's mustache flapping its majestic wings and keeping the throne in midair. "I was just admiring her!"

"Yeah, don't be a jealous old man," Bellabooty Neko-chan grumbled, not paying attention. Unfortunately for her, Port was NOT going to take that and let her walk away unscathed.

He knew all about Bellabooty's weakness from Mad King Ryan.

She was afraid of corgis.

That's right. The sexy cat ninja is terrified of corgis. You know, one of the most adorable things in all of Remnant.

" _Do it,"_ Ryan whispered. _"Make her suffer. Do it! You can feel the urge to crush her mentally building up inside us."_

Port smiled cruelly, and he clapped his hands to summon his jester. "Jester! Bring me the Milkmaid's dog! I need it for my nefarious scheme!"

Seriously, drunk me!? Milkmaid!? That's what we're calling Yang now? Oh for…

Blake's eyes widened at the mention of the dog, and she tried to 'nope' out of there. But Port wasn't going to let some cat outrun him. His mustache grew, its thick tendrils ensnaring her, and it hefted her struggling form into the air. "YOU THINK YOU CAN OURUN ME!? I AM A GOD!"

Bellabooty struggled to get free, her amber eyes pleading, and Ren quietly handed Zwei over to Port. The Mad King of Beacon clapped his hands twice, and with a puff of smoke, Zwei wasn't just one dog.

There were now fifty Zwei clones running around.

Blake screamed in terror as all fifty corgis looked up at her with eager pants, tongues rolling out.

Satisfied that he had her at his mercy, Port smiled as Nora approached him, her hammer in hand. "Queen? Be a dear and escort the Bellabooty to Room 3. And bring the cloned dogs. Let's see how long she lasts. Oh, and make that damn monkey feel humiliation! Dress him as a schoolgirl!"

Really!? What the... I don't get paid enough for to deal with drunk me.

My bad. Here's more stupidity.

" _Excellent work, my friend. You are indulging in the delightful theatrics of revenge,"_ Ryan whispered. _"Now, I think we should take this chance to pay a visit to our favorite Edgars. What say you?"_

Port chuckled, thundering his way through the once-proud academy until he reached the room that once called itself his classroom. Now, it was known as the chamber of incredible pain and torture.

No, really. He even put a wooden sign up outside the door.

Once inside, he was met with a glorious sight. Puppy Arc was holding a paddle in his paws and smacking Glynda Goodwitch's butt with it.

That's right. Glynda was bent over and being spanked like a naughty schoolgirl. Who knew she or Jaune had that fetish? And while the boy was a dog no less. Thank you blaiseingfire for that joke.

Have any of you read his Puppy Arc fanfic? It's really good. And funny.

And admittedly, I kinda want to see what happens when the girls of Team RWBY see him as a puppy. Any bets on cuddling for days?

Ahem.

"Oho! I see Edgar III is disciplining you!" Port cried, guffawing loudly. "I am proud of you, Puppy Arc!"

"I'M GETTING SPANKED BY JAUNE!?" Glynda screamed, struggling to break free.

Port was not having it.

He swooped down, his mustache quivering. "STAND DOWN OR I SHALL HAVE YOU MILKED!"

"What do you…Port no!"

"Port yes!"

Glynda screamed when she saw the suction cups.

 _ **A/N: Next up…**_

 _ **Man, fuck this. Time to bring in the real shitposting.**_


	6. Shitposting Begins

_**A/N: Chapter 6...**_

 ** _You know what? Fuck being serious. Enjoy the shitposting._**

 **The Mad King of Beacon**

 _Summary: Professor Port and Edgar have taken over Beacon. Now, the Mad King will make everyone bend to his will, or they will suffer a fate worse than death itself._

 ***Shitposting Begins***

While the intoxicated author was trying to find more random RWBY characters to either roast or submit to horrible torture, Mad King Port flew around his beloved castle, the throne's mustache flapping its glorious and majestic wings.

He was on patrol for this 'Dusty Winged Angel' jackass mentioned a few chapters back.

Port was not about to let some pansy little shit with an equally lame-ass name disrupt his glory. Fuck that shit.

His powerful eyes looked towards that shitty little log cabin on that boring-ass island, and with a roar he opened fire with his blunderaxe thingy. "STOP WATERING FLOWERS YOU LITTLE BITCH!"

The blonde man outside who was so narcassitic to name his fucking daughter after himself began to weep as his flowers were destroyed by the majesty that is the Mad King. Fuck that gardening bullshit. That's what you need a hot wife for.

Ah, I forgot. Every woman you end up with either ends up running away or dead. Buuuuuuuuuurn!

The Mad King turned his attention back to that little shit Schnee, who had the fucking audacity to try and write her emo bullshit in a diary! That's right, Weiss. I'm calling you the fuck out. Half of your songs are so emo, they ought to be in a My Chemical Romance compilation.

"STOP WRITING YOUR EMO BULLSHIT!" Port bellowed, slamming a pair of headphones on her head. You'd think she'd be able to take it off, but these bitches had super glue on them. Not the first time she's had sticky white stuff in her hair.

I've seen the shit you horny fucks write when it's dealing with Weiss. Don't tell me otherwise; you would all love to cover her in 'Weiss cream'. She ends up so glazed she could be sold at Krispy Kreme's Donuts. You know, because she has 'glazed donut holes'? Eh? Get it?

Goddammit Barbara.

I don't know what fanfic you fuckers thought you were reading, but this shitpost isn't getting any better. I'm feeling like a real asshole today.

As the Mad King tormented her by blasting Jaune's singing on loop, he heard some really shitty Spanish music progressively getting louder and louder. "FOR FUCK'S SAKE! WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?"

A pair of armored morons in a car that looked like some sort of big cat jumped over the academy, with the guy in the gunner seat yelling out, "SUCK IT, BLUE!"

"FUCK YOU!" Port roared, leaping up with his godly thighs and ripping the vehicle to shreds with his bare hands. "I AM A GOD!"

Didn't we already have this fan theory confirmed by Cormag Ravenstaff some time ago? Port's a god. Don't fuck with him. You'd think people would learn by now, right?

Google that shit if you doubt it. Or Oum-gle. Hey, I gotta make it accurate by using the Remnant equivalent of a fucking search engine or some shit. I don't fucking know, man.

"Mad King!" an incredibly intoxicated voice yelled. "Over here, dickweed!"

That was the final straw.

Port roared, glowed in this fairy tale-esque light, and when it faded, Port was gone.

In his place was a brunette man wearing a kilt, and a crooked crown on his head. "Mwahahahahaha! I have returned!"

Well...

Fuckberries.

Mad King Ryan himself has come.

Just who the fuck is the Dusty Winged Angel?

 _ **A/N: Shitposting will continue...**_


	7. A Final Dose of Shitposting

_**A/N: Final chapter of this shitpost. Enjoy...**_

 **The Mad King of Beacon**

 _Summary: Professor Port and Edgar have taken over Beacon. Now, the Mad King will make everyone bend to his will, or they will suffer a fate worse than death itself._

 ***A Final Dose of Shitposting***

Mad King Ryan let out evil guffaws, his cruel laughter shaking the very plane of existence. "At last! The Dusty Winged Angel and I meet yet again!" He flew up into the air, a single black angel wing growing from his back like he was the fucking reincarnation of Sephiroth.

To those who still bitch about Sephiroth tearing Vergil a new one in the Death Battle, shut up already. Sephiroth=god.

Seriously. That battle with him in Final Fantasy VII took at least an hour.

Now you're probably wondering who the fuck the Dusty Winged Angel is.

Well...

It's Qrow.

What, you're going to tell me you didn't see that coming? I fucking dropped like three hints! Red eyes, has bangs, and likes to drink Scotch? Totally Drunkle Qrow.

Whatever.

Qrow was busy drinking tequila and whiskey mixed, giving the Mad King the middle finger. You know, because anyone who drinks in the middle of combat is a total badass.

Does anyone else drink as much as Qrow nowadays in anime? I have yet to see someone else drain entire flasks like him.

Still, for an old man, he's pretty fucking good looking. Seriously, this guy probably swims in bitches and whiskey.

Anyway...

Qrow finally stopped drinking after his liver committed suicide, and he and the Mad King had an epic clash.

Stories would be told of this day.

The day that Mad King Ryan and Qrow fought, sword to sword. A goddamn monument would be erected or some shit. I don't know. I haven't had a single clue what I have been doing for about three chapters now.

While the epic battle raged on, Ryan let out an evil laugh and cast some voodoo bullshit towards his pet. "Rise, my beast! Show them the power of the one in the hole!"

Qrow watched as Edgar turned into some giant Minotaur Grimm, because the show hasn't shown that shit yet. "Da fuck is that thing?"

Come on, Rooster Teeth! A Minotaur Grimm would be dope as shit! You already did a demon Dr Scotland/Scandinavia with the Nuckelavee. I even bought the hoodie!

Meh.

Edgar roared and stampeded around Beacon, lowering its head and charging Qrow.

Little did it know, Qrow was the God of Light.

Seriously.

Oum-gle that shit if you aren't a believer.

Right, the story.

Qrow reached for his flask with a smile, and began swinging his giant scythe thingy at the Grimm's head during the brief fight.

Note the word brief.

Qrow stood up victorious with the Grimm's severed head in his hands, and he threw it onto the ground. "I do not tolerate little pussys cheating in battle."

The Mad King broke down at the sight of his dead pet, falling to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOO! Edgar!"

Qrow calmly walked over to him, and stabbed him in the chest.

Do we have a name for Qrow's weapon yet? Because I'm voting for calling it 'Mr. Stabby'.

"Remain in my memories where you belong," Qrow snarled.

"I...will never be a memory," Ryan hissed. His black wing wrapped around him before he vanished, and just like that, shit was back to normal in Remnant.

And that's why Qrow is the best character in RWBY.

He drinks to no end, fucks Winter behind the scenes, and when people start shit with him, he punches them in the face.

 _ **A/N: Hope you've enjoyed. Special thanks to both blaiseingfire for this shitpost.**_


End file.
